An Unfulfilled Promise

There are some people who cross your path, stay with you for a while and suddenly leave, but with some undying memories. So when that happens, and someday when you remember those people and recall the times spent with them, you automatically have a smile on your face and other times, their memories make you cry, you feel a void inside that will always remain. You suddenly wish that person to come back again and give him / her hug, no matter if it is once and for all. But alas!!! a wish at times just remains a wish and you cannot bring those moments to reality , no matter how hard you try ………………..
Whenever I think of May, it reminds me of a very sweet person, who touched my life for a brief period of time, loved me a lot and showered all her blessings on me. She used to work in her house. Her name was Bilkis. A lady who was a cleanliness freak, used to love our house like her own and me as her daughter.

A person who always had a smiling face , even when she was suffering all the physical abuses that her husband inflicted on her and was facing the worst financial crisis in her life . I remember, one day she came to our house a bit limping, but with her ever smiling face and when asked, she told about her husband and the way he used to beat her and ill treat her. No matter whatever happened at her house, she never left her job and turned up regularly. Many a times, due to the beatings, she used to leave her house without having her food. She used to cry and tell her stories and those times I had an impulse to take her away from all her sufferings, no matter what it takes.

She had got married at a tender age of 14, to a liquor addict, who was 15 years older to her. Only ten years had passed since her marriage but she looked like a woman of 40, who had to bear the responsibility of feeding 5 hungry mouths, without any one of them assisting her in any aspect, whether emotionally or financially.

During the days of her working at our house, I was preparing for my MBA entrance exams and seeing her plight had resolved to keep her with me as soon as I would get my job, post MBA. I used to tell her the same that “Bilkis aunty, you just wait for two more years and then you will stay with me.” Hearing that, she used to laugh and reply back, saying that “Let’s see, if I remain alive till then.” Hearing that, I just used to chide her for her pessimistic comments. Perhaps, I had no inkling of what was happening to her, the moment she went back to her place.
While working, she used to tease me with her jokes and instigated by her comments, out of sheer fun, I used to reply her back promptly. That was our way of enjoying each other’s company. I always loved that naughty look on her face and the sparkle in her eyes during our conversations. Those moments were beautiful………………..

They say that time flies by and so did the moments of our togetherness. Finally, in the month of February 2006, my wait ended and I got selected for ICFAI Hyderabad. I was excited and looking forward to my stay in the hostel and a new challenge ahead. I was to join in May. But ad mist all this excitement, I also noticed a gradual change in Bilkis aunty. Her appetite was reducing; she was beginning to get more frail and anemic. Many a times, seeing her deteriorating condition, my mother asked her to go for check up and take rest, but she continued coming, stating that, “Kanu is here only for few more days. I don’t want to miss my moments with her.” That statement left my mother speechless.
Ultimately, the day arrived, when I was leaving for Hyderabad. That day she came early and went back home only when I left for the station. Though we chatted a lot and had a gala time, I could see sadness in her eyes. When I was finally saying her goodbye she handed me Rs.10, asking me to buy something of my choice. I refused to take it , but she insisted saying that , “ Kanu yeh mera aakhiri waqt hai ….mujhe nahi lagta main tujhse agli baar mil paaoongi …tu please meri tasalli ke liye yeh paise rakh le ..main tujhe dena chahti thi .” But still I did not take it, saying that her blessings are enough for me and no matter whatever she says, I know that I am going to see her again and reminded her of my plans. She gave a weak laugh and had tears in her eyes. Though I had said those assuring words to her, but deep inside I was really sad and feared that I might not see her, the next time I come home. I was tempted to keep Rs.10 that she wanted me to as a mark of her gift, but I knew that for her, every rupee counted, so did otherwise.

And that was the last time I saw her through my car window, waving at me.
Ten days later, while I was talking to my brother, I asked about Bilkis aunty and he replied saying that she was dead. I was shocked to the core and silent for sometime. I did not know what to say, how to react. My mother sensing my condition took the call and told me about what had happened when I left.

After I had left for Hyderabad, she did not turn up for next 3-4 days, which was quite unusual. When my mother inquired, her children responded that she was in village for the treatment and after a week, the news came that she was dead. She breathed her last during the treatment.
Despite trying to be optimistic, my fears had come true. I cried the whole night and was at loss to know what to do. I had wanted to talk to her, ask her to stay with me, tell me her problems and give her a hug. It felt as if I had lost one of my family members, who was very dear to me.

Some days after this news, my brother sent me the photos taken while I was leaving for hostel. Surprisingly, the photos that had Bilkis aunty, appeared as if she was a mere shadow. Her face was not at all visible. That was terrifying and even my mother pointed out the same thing.
I still don’t know what energy drove her to come, work and meet me till the time I was there. Perhaps, the only explanation that I have is immense love and affection that she had for me.
It has been four years since her death, but the memories still remain and now that I have started working, I wish she comes back and stay with me as I had promised her.

But as they say, life is not always fair to you and despite the best of my intentions; this promise is going to remain unfulfilled. Though at the same time, I also am thankful to GOD that he gave me the opportunity to meet one of his most innocent and respectable creations that I have ever laid eyes on.

You say it best when you say nothing at all……………………..

You say it best when you say nothing at all ……………that’s the song which comes to my mind, when I see the love of my mother and father. Today they are celebrating 30 years of togetherness .One can still see the love and affection in their eyes and the respect they command from each other. It’s been a blessing to be a daughter to such parents and I will always be indebted to GOD for this lifetime gift.

Had thought of posting this thing on May 11^th itself, but lazy me ….couldn’t gather my thoughts to write and complete the stuff.

In this ever changing world, where the meaning of relationships change and have changed rapidly, it’s wonderful and an accomplishment in itself, when you complete and celebrate 30 years of being together with your partner. So when I look at them, I wonder and think, what makes their relationship grow stronger day by day?

The only answer that I could find is their tendency to adjust, respect and understand each other. Both of them are poles apart, when it comes to their nature. While my mother is quite vocal, very social and a short tempered lady, my father has been a very silent, antisocial and a cool (though very stubborn) personality. But somehow, when two of them are together, the combination is perfect. There has always been that untold understanding and trust between the two, which has now become a sort of ideal thing for me.

I have been a witness to their evolving relationship and no doubt, it has stood the test of times. As per the demands of the times, they have been resilient in their efforts to bring us up. Since the time, I was in class 10^th, my mother has been staying away from my father, to take care of me and my brother. And now, it has been more than 11 years of their being away from each other. The sacrifice has been immense, but never a word has been spoken about it. I really wonder what these people are made of and what keep them going on?

Meanwhile, it has also been a sort of transition phase for my mother. From being a complete housewife, she has become a real time manager, who takes care of everything, right from homely stuff, to managing finances and sorting out other issues, while my father is away from home. From a young docile girl, who had got married at a very early age, to an independent and confident mother, who is up for everything, come whatever may, the change is amazing !!!. Some one has rightly said that time teaches you all and my mother is a live example to it.

Also, while time has been an important factor in helping her reckon her strengths and capabilities, I cannot ignore or undermine the role my father played in her being, what she is today. Along with playing the role of a soul mate, he has also been her mentor throughout. Lots of things she learnt through hit and trial method and the inspiring soul behind it has been my father, who stood by her and gave her the confidence and backing that was required during her learning curve.

A lot of people have asked my reasons for not being in a relationship till now and I have been at a loss to answer the same in a convincing manner. But I think it is partly because of the fact that I have seen an ideal couple in the form of my parents. And when one has seen a utopian world, it becomes difficult for you to settle with reality, which may or may not be the ideal world that you have been part of till now!!! . I am not trying to be pessimistic about my future, but I won’t ignore the possibilities of what may happen, if I fall for a wrong person …..

The reason being, I have also seen cases of my friends, whose relationships have fallen apart after years of staying together. Either these people have moved on their ways or are not happy with what they have and repent their decisions. These kinds of observations make you more and more apprehensive about your choice and what the future may bring. But I think its all a matter of destiny and human beings are just puppets in the hands of GOD .There is no denying to the fact that a silent power controls your life and relationships are no exception to it. So take this life as if you are on a roller coaster and enjoy all the ups and downs that come along.

Last but not the least …here are the lyrics of the songs that I want to dedicate to my parents this year

Its amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Wake up ????..............

26th April 2010

Though I started writing on May 9th , but I decided to back date this writing of mine, simply because on this day , something happened , which I had not observed / realized before and would try to remember it for this special thought (yeah I know that I sound weird, but yes that’s how I think) .
Most of my weekends are spent watching some movies (which I download, while I am working in office from Torrent “I Love TORRENT :P” ) and doing some household work.
This weekend was also the same, but the movie that I saw was different. Happened to see “Wake up Sid”, a simple and no nonsense movie that talks about how an irresponsible and happy go lucky guy, goes through a self realization phase and discovers what he loves the most and decides to stick to it. The description till now will make you wonder, what is new in it? There have been lots of movies made on the same theme time and again. Well there is one thing that sets it apart from the usual story and that is the character of Konkona Sen. I don’t know if people have noticed it, but alongwith Ranbir , its Konkona too , who also undergoes a self realization process to clear out that hazy picture of “Perfect Man” in her life .
Konkona portrays a character, which many of today’s generation girls would be able to identify themselves with. An independent girl, who is determined to leave a mark in her profession and has her own dreams about her “Perfect Man”. She meets Ranbir, but is not impressed by his looks or lured by money and thinks that the guy is too kiddish for her age . This lady is then introduced to her boss, who is very handsome and very mature and initially, she realizes herself attracted towards him. While throughout the film, she dismisses the actions of Ranbir as too childish, the same comment from her boss regarding her music taste offends her and she drifts away from him.

The irony here is that Konkona had always dreamt of a handsome and mature guy as her soulmate , but when she meets one , she could not associate herself to him. While , on the other hand, there is Ranbir , who grows up in this whole process , but still is under her influence , when it comes to developing tastes and deciding on certain things , which no doubt gives her an upperhand . At the end of the story, she chooses Ranbir over her boss.
This story brings an often observed, but not much talked about change in today’s women. No doubt, it is great to be ambitious and financially independent, but then over the time independence also instills ego in girls. We have always talked about male ego for centuries, but this movie has subtly depicted the other side of the coin too.
Overtime, things have changed and so have the female mentality. While , I have always been a supporter of feminist thoughts , but this movie made me think that though it is desirable for a lady to be well educated, strong and ambitious in her life , but developing ego (which actually happens unintentionally), most of the times spoils her chances to adjust in her personal life and enjoy her family. And in many cases, this is also one of the major reasons for failed marriages. The movie ended on a good note , but left a lot to be explored and to ponder over for its viewers.

In real life, there are guys like Ranbir , who will definitely adjust according to their female partners , but what would happen if a girl like Konkona ties knot with a guy like her boss ?. The meeting of two strong opinionated people is bound to lead to clashes.

But when you’ve got a family to take care of, adjustments have to happen and ideally, they should happen from both the sides. For ages, it’s the woman who has made adjustments or has been groomed to make compromises. Now that the tide has turned and women too demand adjustments from their male counterparts, it is too hard for men to come to terms with this change. But, I think its only a matter of time and slowly and gradually, the society is coming to terms with it.

Till then , be a witness and a part of this revolutionary change :).

The Week that started it all ..................

There are a lot of things that go in our mind , lots of thoughts that just come and pass by and we don't realize , because we are too busy in our fast paced life to pay heed to them or intentionally try to avoid them , in order not to let ourselves bother too much. Well, while the latter seems a bit justified, the former excuse needs to let go (atleast in my case) and therefore I decided to put down some of my random thoughts on this digital piece of paper. There are some brief but very significant moments when we truly enjoy the spirit of life and would like to capture the thoughts before and after they happen , so that we can read and re read them to relive those moments , which otherwise may get lost.

The thought of putting down my thoughts/ interesting (and sometimes boring ) incidents somewhere had been hovering around for quite sometime, but conversing with one of my friends ultimately compelled me to give it a shot. And here I am determined to write something before this Sunday (May 09, 2010) gets over. I don’t know if I will be able to continue it (considering the fact that most of the times I am moody or too lazy to write), but I will make it a point to be as regular as possible.

Last weekend I was in Bangalore, spending my time with some of my best buddies. It was really rocking. Surprisingly, we did not roam about / explore Bangalore, but spent most of the time at one of my friends place, making lunch and gossiping and cracking jokes.

I had been planning it for quite sometime, as I am in that phase of life, where the things will change at a very fast pace (both professionally and personally) for myself as well as my friends. And one would never know what the next minute would bring up. So I thought of making the best of what I had and spend them with those people whom I love and will treasure throughout my life , irrespective of that fact that we meet again or not !!!.